First blog post

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The finish line….

I never imagined pain could be so confusing. I never thought that I could be okay and not be okay all at once. That peace could be something that I would wish away. This is the worst kind of loss.

To lose a mother is shattering. To pray for a miracle that you did not get and still go back to that same God for comfort is heartbreaking. How do you even begin to believe in a healed soul?

Everything in you says it’s the finish line. But it would be nice to start a new race, one with no obstacles. No matter how hard and draining the race was. At least she was still running and there was hope. But when the race ends…. The lights switch off and it all ends.

All the joy of the sacrifices made is gone and you don’t know who to be without them. You don’t know what else to do but give. You don’t know what to do with everything coz it feels like it’s extra. You never needed it coz it was all for her.

But her…. Her reached her finish line… Her is gone.

And you have no clue what to do with the empty space she left. Fill it out or shut it off…. And how to do that and when to start.

Back at 1

I have been spending a lot of time with my nieces and nephews lately. And I must say there is a lot to learn about the simplicity of life and how I started out. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to have healthy relationships with my nieces and nephews and time to spend with them. I must say there is so much to learn from them and I love watching them grow.

My eldest niece is the most interesting of them all. I am not sure why she trusts me with her adulting but she does, I can safely say she helps me strive to be a better person. I believe she is my guardian Angel, always watching over me by how she is convinced I am doing well in life. I am forever grateful for her trust in my advice, my opinions and decisions.

Then there is my eldest nephew, who loves me from a distance, always reminding me that I do not need constant validation as an Aunt – but I still nag him for attention. Then, there is my sweet niece who always checks on me, asking what I am up to. If I have eaten and when was the last time I had fun with friends…. It is this kind of love that keeps me going.

Last, we have my youngest nephews… the funniest. They nickname me ‘BossyPants’ but chase me down the minute I walk towards the door with the question “are you leaving?” no matter how much we fight, their love for me is unconditional, their dependence on me when I am around reminds me of how we should be with God. They do not care how many times I correct them; they want me around them all the time. I guess it’s the safety they enjoy.

Insecurities

I am still a little uncertain about a lot of things but I am confident that I love what’s happening with my life in the present and I am planning for the future fearlessly.

The best and worst thing about taking a break from this blog was looking for an outlet. I thought it was writer’s block but after a over a year, I realized that I had lost inspiration.

My insecurities…… All of which made me angry, sad, overthink and confused. I won’t mention the overthinking and overachieving. I just wanted it all. That blessed up life. I never had this feeling that left me numb. Getting my first job after almost 5years of unemployment and starting a business that gave me survival and a pretty neat income was so confusing.

I never imagined having everything I prayed for would be so difficult to cope with. The celebration I had imagined I would have was as surreal but the coping…. Lol

The what ifs, the clouded emotions and the feeling of how can I be happy and comfortable in something that could dissappear. And guess what? It kind of did and I had to depend on family and savings – yes the worst had come to pass.

I was devastated but also relieved. I am not sure if losing a job I didn’t enjoy in order to keep a different one with lesser working hours – which I truly love – was a good idea. I didn’t know why I was sad or upset. I didn’t know why I was scared of a present that I had known for 5years nor why I was upset about losing a present I had lived in for only about 2 years

It took me a while to realize that it was because I wanted it. A good life, a life that I wasn’t confident to go for. I wanted enough money to be comfortable. But above all I wanted to be happy. Whichever way. And I realized that I had had become…. Again😂

I just keep going and moving and changing and evolving and transforming and never being able to catch on. And as terrifying as it is. I love it. I love being insecure… I love being unsure because for now it is my comfort zone. But I am becoming sure and secure with the uncertainty of life and the beauty of evolving and seeing new things and new places and connecting with new people.

…… letter to us

Hi

I don’t know where to start. I am not sure what to say. I am not expecting a response from you but I would like one. No pressure.

I guess I should just flow and not overthink it. I’m sorry, that’s one thing I know I have been meaning to tell you all weekend. I really am sorry, about a lot of things. I’m sorry for ignoring you and cutting you off. I didn’t mean to ghost you but I just didn’t know how to take you with me.

Not to be rude but you don’t fit in my world, they won’t get you. They’ll think you are crazy, I guess that’s how I felt. Plus I suppose I thought because you didn’t fit in this world I couldn’t bring you along but then again it got hectic and I realized that there were some things that needed you to handle them.

I don’t hate you, I’m not angry at you. I didn’t want you to not cope. I didn’t trust you, I did not have a reason to and we both know it. I guess what I am saying is I don’t want to say goodbye.

Not forever. Not anymore. There are things you know better than me. I could use your help sometimes. I need it hey, lol .

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you went through what you went through when I was not around to help you cope. Or to take it away from you. I’m sorry I wasn’t around when you cried yourself to sleep. I’m sorry for the pain you had to mask. For the days that dragged. I’m sorry you had to pick strength and battlefield weapons and didn’t have lighter choices. I’m sorry sometimes all you had to do was deal. I’m sorry for the many times you forgot yourself and the times you lived in the shadows. I’m sorry you never got to be the star that you are. I’m sorry for the times it was just you and you had to hold on to a breaking rope. I’m sorry for the fears you couldn’t talk about. I’m sorry for the applause and ovations you had to give yourself. I’m sorry for the times you never felt like enough. I’m deeply sorry.

It’s hard sometimes to carry on from you. I always feel like you deserve it more than I do. I can’t build this up without you, you are more a part of this than I am.

Sometimes I wonder if you wouldn’t have been able to handle it well. I know it’s all chance with me sometimes. That’s why I need you, I think you know better.

Love me

Spot check

Every once in a while you need to check out who is who in your life and understand you cannot always give a hundred. You are a valuable asset and limited resource so you cannot always make yourself available for the take. Ask yourself “If I wake up tomorrow and ——— is not in my life I will not be able to ———- That’s how you know who is who in your life.

Have people understand that they can only have so much from you as they put in you. It doesn’t make you a terrible person to give what you get and it doesn’t make others terrible people because they take what you offer. It makes you be at peace with the fact that not everyone in your life is meant to build you. You need to grow and you should have people in your life that feed your growth.

So learn form Jesus and the Creator Himself. Freedom of choice means you are set to do as you will and get from God according to principles and protocols set by the Word. It should be the same with us, there should be ways in which we can measure and evaluate our social lives to make sure we don’t set ourselves up to be door mats.

Kindness, love and holiness should never empty us and leave us running short of energy. It should nourish us and enrich us and leave us feeling happy. Be the best version of you but never at the expense of your peace and joy. It’s not about cutting people off, it’s about checking what you give and how much of it you give so you figure out what you are getting in return then you align it with what you should put into that relationship.

Not giving a hundred is not a terrible thing. You can give a ten or a thirty and still be at peace and kind. Just don’t run on empty, love, laugh, forgive and be kind. But don’t take people on your journey who fall asleep on your purpose or who cut off ears of those meant to lead you to your purpose.

Hey lovely…

How are you doing? I have been a bit busy getting on with life it’s almost like I forgot you were around. Well I guess you haven’t been though, you got lost somewhere along the way and I was in a rush to get to the finishing line I forgot to wait for you.

I couldn’t look for you, the roads were twisted and entangled so I couldn’t find my way to you. The crowd was too loud, so I could not call for you. I wanted so bad to call but I just could never settle down.

But I got some time off and I was thinking about you lately. How I unknowingly pushed you away – but I can never forget. Every once in a while I remember.

I remember everything like it was yesterday . Like you never left. Almost like I am reliving the moments. I never wanted to leave – it was home. Every once in a while it doesn’t feel like home here, but never enough for me to want to come back.

I can’t come back to you, I could never. But if you can find your way here. To start a new life, I will make time for you. I will listen and take you with me.

Love

Me. Us♥

Unlocked…

Hush the sound of the silence, the deafening noise of words unspoken and the loud roar of voices within.

Create a space of make-believe, a mind held ransom by the fear of the unknown. A heart held captive by the presence of ghosts.

The walking dead, the living dead, a whole apocalypse. Hidden truths and buried treasures.

It’s a waiting storm brewing, rising from the depths of unfilled crevices. Like perfectly aged wine, the bitter taste of sweet revenge.

His fire burns in me …

Let’s talk about Judas and Peter, About Thomas and John. About Mary and Saul. David and Esther. Let’s talk about dysfunctional people.

About the men and women who went ahead and showed no respect to the institute of marriage. Or about the friends who turned enemies and the enemies who turned friends. Let’s talk about the men who knew Him but didn’t believe in Him.

The men and women whose ways should have made them the talk of the town. Whose ways were questionable. Let’s talk about Judas the bounty hunter who forwarded redemption.

Or Thomas who had trust issues and seasonal faith. Or about Mary and Saul who were deep in their wickedness or rather deeply in need of saving.

Or John who in a time of need needed a hook up. A connection to the next level. Or Peter who got scared and tried to fit and pretended to be something he is not.

Or David and Esther who saw it fit to break up marriages. But God saw it fit to put the responsibility of Salvation in their hands. The ‘undeserving’ men and women.

I see a little bit me in all of them, every part of me that wants to give up, fit in, take the easy way out and so very lost in my ways. A recipient of Love, Glory and Honour with no reservation.

Hey there stranger

I finally get it, the feeling of being unfamiliar. The goodbye without a farewell note

I did not get it, I imagined it didn’t feel so brutal and unnecessary but it did come unexpectedly maybe that’s why it feels so odd to have you around.

You have become a stranger, a woman unknown. You left and never visit. Swiftly in the night whilst noone was looking…. Even me

You actually waited for me to fall asleep and your departure was one I never experienced. I had questions to ask, a farewell basket to prepare and a kiss to plant

It feels odd, I hope you are happy wherever you are. I wonder how it feels to not have me around

I wonder if it’s odd. Coz it is for me…..

Of dreams come true

So finally everyone wants a piece of you. They like what you have to offer and they value your input. Finally people want to listen and they want draw from what you have. Finally you are a master of your trade and you are out here making moves. Finally when your phone rings you answer and someone says could you grace us with your presence? We would like to invite you to…. Could you help with? Yes finally you are here, finally you are welcome. You are living your dream come true.

Or maybe not really. Maybe it’s a little different from what you imagined. Maybe it’s not so far away but it’s not as close either. Maybe you expected to fit into it like it was home. Maybe you expected the experience to be exactly what you hoped it would be. Then you wake up and realize that it’s not like this. You realize it’s not home. It’s unfamiliar yet relatable because it’s what you pictured.

A dream come true so unreal yet truly mind-blowing. Confused about gratitude and plain tired. Wondering if it’s okay to feel like you need a little break. Like you need some time out to observe and learn and master and thoroughly come to terms.

It’s not like that, there’s no time. When He moves He moves like a mighty rushing wind with a roar. It’s who He is. He is the God of enrichment, fulfillment and realignment. So hold on to the fast ride and let Him.