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I remember me

I remember the fear

I remember the pain, the shame and confusion

The voices in my head that controlled my very existence

Every move pre-calculated by the echoes that were in charge of me

They understood my pain and with every comforting stroke they pulled me deeper into affliction so I kept running

And they kept arms wide open for that suffocating embrace that sucked life out and breathed in me instead shear madness

The kind that has you dying inside and living outside until the inside takes over and your only wish is death

Oh but how the thought makes one feel lighter. Easier to not feel the earth drowning you than to fight the blows it throws

It feels right, it feels like it is soothing you

But no, it is killing you slowly. Breadth by Breadth. Every single day. Sips slowly from you

I REMEMBER ME!!!

Time travel

time traveller’s letter

Dear future me

I have never done this – time travel but I have read so much about you. I JUST HAD TO WRITE TO YOU AND ASK. You’ve done really well hey.

I just wonder, in the late hours of the night. When my thoughts steal my night. When the dark sky is illuminated by the moon and the stars. And there is nothing to see but the images in my head. I wonder how much of me you remember. Do you miss me sometimes? Do you talk about me like I talk about us? Are you still stumbling and learning? Are you getting any better at handling it or has it become easier? Does psalm 27 still make you tear up? 

It would be great to meet you. I have so much I want to know about you misss thang. Like did Little Wayne release Carter6? Did you reach the target waist size we wanted since we were 17? Coz I tried and failed – lol. Hope you did not get rid of our sassy attitude on your way to becoming better. How much of me did you get rid of? Was there a lot still? Coz I did a lot hey, couldn’t have been that awful.

I can’t wait to see you and tell you all about this year. Finally got it, let go and let God. I hope I did enough learning for you hey. I hope you are doing good, coz I am. Wait, if I am doing good that means you should be great right?

Take care. Love

Us, You, Me

Experience

This is day 8 blog coz the experience came on day 16 an I missed day 8.

WOOOOOW!! This weekend was pretty awesome. Spent the weekend at a memorial service in Mutiumwe, Buhera. And all I can say is #Respect. 

The adults are soo revered that when the young speak to them they either sit or kneel. It was a beautiful scene. There was that deep unforced respect, culture and laughter where identity was not a struggle.

Noone was trying to be neither this nor that, people were just being themselves. And it felt great to be in a place where it mattered to be defined by who you are. That valuable substance.

And I enjoyed the dance by vapostori aswell. They were free and happy and the only standard they seemed to be trying to meet. Is the all time happy happ happ happy.​

Me enjoying that view

 photo by sekuru Lloyd


Lesson learnt

Lessons learnt in 2018

I dedicated 2018 to taking care of myself. That is emotionally, I almost fell into depression in 2017 and I did not want the same thing to happen.

I put so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly well it and it did not quite end perfectly well. So I decided to slow down on being self righteous this year.

And I figured to my surprise God’s love never died. His grace continued to beam on me. His mercy kept chasing me and hey, His hold on me never left.

That’s my 2018 lesson, let go and let God. Stop trying to handle it and get it right, God loves me regardless and He is working on me. 

Smiles Smiles and Laughter

Lol

Fiction book on day3

The Gazebo by Emily McGlashan and The Sugar Pavilion by  Barbara Ovstedal.  I have not read a good fiction in a while. I got caught up in the motivational book frenzy and couldn’t escape. I could totally read these again. When I read a really good book I get sad when I finish. I pretty much become one of the characters so it’s like a sad goodbye when I read the last chapter. 

My kinda.best reads ever.

 I love such books, strong woman who makes it the 80s or waay before that. When women struggled to get leverage.


Thanks goodreads.com for the covers

#2018BOTY Movie

Been a while since I watched a good horror movie. I love the sit on edge type of movies. Horror, suspense and thrillers. I watched a good one from the Philippines this week, Ghost Bride.​

 It was awesome, I really enjoyed it. The theme was well thought out, the plot well structured and the characters did a good job putting together the storyline. Not only was it a terrifying scare, it was an interesting storyline too.

Google pictures